


Memories of a Saarebas

by DasChaosweib



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Fluff In The End, M/M, Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Torture, Qun, Qunari, Saarebas, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-05
Updated: 2015-06-05
Packaged: 2018-04-03 00:49:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4080199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DasChaosweib/pseuds/DasChaosweib
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Something breaks in Adaar's mind when Bull blindfolds him. Something his mind locked away for a long time. Something he didn't wanted to remember ever again.<br/>A golden mask pressed against his face in total darkness, one sentence repeatedly echoing through his mind: "I'm Avaarad. I'm teaching you to obey me, Saarebas"</p><p>PS: English is not my first language, so I apologize for possibly existing faults in grammar and vocabulary. Feel free to correct me if I did something wrong.</p><p>PPS: Saarebas can be translated with "dangerous thing"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Memories of a Saarebas

He trusted Bull, he always had. He licked his lips only slightly nervous, as Bull undressed in front of the bed, his own arms already bound to the bed, so he couldn’t move much. He tugged at the ropes experimentally not taking his eyes off his lover.  
He liked that sort of sex, even if he had felt ashamed in the beginning, giving Bull full control over his body, actually giving him permission to dominate him.  
Bull’s gaze bored into his, forcing him to stop every movement. He felt the mattress give in, as his boyfriend knelt down beside him, cupping his face and brushing his thump over his bottom lip, before leaning down and kissing him, roughly, hungrily.  
Adaar groaned as Bull’s hand grabbed his inner thigh painfully hard, slightly brushing his erection.  
“Lift your head” The commanding voice sent a shiver down his spine and he followed the order.  
Bevor he knew what was happening a dark cloth covered his eyes, tightly tied behind his back. It was not tight enough to cause pain, but nonetheless it made him squirm. His body started to send Adrenaline through his blood, making him sweat and quickening his breath.  
He didn’t know where the fear of darkness came all of a sudden and he tried to calm himself, feeling childish and embarrassed. He managed to concentrate on the touch of his lover’s hand running over his body, grabbing hard in muscled flesh, licking and biting on nipples and heated skin, moving awfully slowly down his body.

His hot skin rubbing against the fabric, his body quivering in panic instead of pleasure, he felt his lungs tighten. He couldn’t breathe his terrified widened eyes staring into complete darkness, while his chest clenched painfully. He tried to calm down, tried to concentrate on breathing but he couldn’t. It seemed the faster he sucked air into his body the greater the weight crushing his lungs became.  
He could feel the pain in his body, the thread cutting into the flesh around his mouth the burn of festering skin. The screaming pain of busted flesh on his back, bleeding and without a chance of healing by whipping him over and over again until he lost consciousness. The throbbing of broken arms, forced into a unnatural angle so he couldn’t defend himself. Horrified he tried to tug at the ropes that held his wrists, earning a chuckle from the men above him, forcing him down and delighting in his suffering  
He could feel hands on his body, roughly and eagerly groping and gripping into his muscles, lips and tongue teasing his inner thighs. He couldn’t bear the touch, couldn’t bear the thought of hands hurting him again, giving him pleasure only to break him. He couldn’t stand the weight on his body, way too heavy, pressing him into the mattress, forcing him to stay still.  
Katoh! A word screaming in his mind and it took several moments to get the meaning of it and several more to bring it over his lips.  
“Katoh!” His scream sounded foreign in his ears, his voice higher than usual, colored by panic. “Katohkatohkatoh!”  
Immediately Bull stopped, his weight disappearing from his body, the familiar weight of his lover rising from his tight chest, hands quickly undoing the ropes on his wrists before shoving the blindfold over his eyes.  
He could feel his tears running down his face while he blinked into the light, quickly sitting up and trying to crawl away from the man in front of him. His breath was uneven and he could hear blood rushing in his ears as he stumbled of the bed, his knees giving in but still shying back until his back hit the wall.  
His right fist clenched against his chest in the sudden need to ease the pain he stared wild eyed at the bed without seeing anything, without realizing where he was. He had his knees tightly pressed against his body in order to provide as small an area to attack as possible.  
“Kadan, what’s wrong?” Bull’s face appeared in front of his face, his eye staring worriedly at him, hands gently cupping his face.  
“Don’t…” He cleared his throat. “DON’T TOUCH ME!”  
Iron Bull looked at him, confused, removing his hands and leaning back to give him some space to catch his breath. His lover said something but he couldn’t hear him. He felt sick, his stomach clenched into a tight knot.  
Iron Bull watched him, a concerned and puzzled look on his face. It was obvious that the big Qunari didn’t understand what the hell was going on.

 

 _You are Saarebas!_ No, he didn’t want to hear this, it wasn’t his fault, he didn’t choose this!  
He felt hands, several strong hands digging their fingers painfully in his arms as he was dragged away from the Tal Vashoth camp the Qunari found.  
They don’t waste anything, especially no one with magical power. He heard the screaming and crying of his mother ringing in his ears pleading for the life of her son, the angry shouting of his father, trying to fight against the men who had them lined up on their knees, their hands bound behind their backs.  
Saarebas. A word his parents taught him to fear, because it meant being leashed by the Qun, being abused in order to control the uncontrollable, being worth less than dirt. A word that sent cold fear through his body, forcing him to fight against those men, trying to get their hands away from his arms, getting his hands free so he could defend himself.  
_I’m Avaarad. I’m teaching you to obey me, Saarebas._  
His arms being broken, so he couldn’t hurt himself or others while he was locked in the dark room, too dark to see anything, blackness to which his eyes couldn’t get used to. Alone for far too long, his body getting skinnier every week he spend alone in total darkness.  
His voice breaking, his screams ringing in his own ears caused by the feeling of his horns being cut off far too low, cutting through nerves, the injured ends being burned so they were sealed.  
He kept on fighting despite the punishments getting worse, despite the fear of being killed.  
His head being hold forcefully so they could sew his mouth shut, being alone in the darkness again, hearing nothing but his own pained whimpers caused by the festering stitches.  
The mask was the worst. Always feeling the cold metal irritating his skin, pressing against his face and making him feel even more caged, even more like a wild animal that had to be tamed.  
His arms were being broken once more so they could heal properly, his weight hanging on broken bones as his arms were bound above his head, the whip cutting through his skin, to finally break him, to teach him.  
His body was burning in pain, as he was held down, the disgusting groans of the men in him, behind him, hurting him, yanking at his hair, digging nails into his still bleeding back, forcefully slapping him across his face, telling him to stay silent, threatening him to cut out his tongue if he failed to do so.  
Everything to break him, everything to make him obey.

He didn’t notice when Cole appeared behind the Bull, his face showing his own pain, mumbling incoherent sentences.  
He didn’t realize, that his body was rocking back and forth forcefully his teeth clenched tightly in order not to let a single sound escape his trembling lips.

He didn’t knew how much time has passed, how often the men came into his cell, how often he was dragged out into the dungeon, to be whipped again, to be beaten, his own screaming causing him pain because of his sewn lips.  
He remembered the fear, as the door to his prison swung open once again, staring terrified at the two shadows.  
He looked at his father, covered in blood which didn’t seem to be his own, his face so much older than he remembered, limping, as he stepped away from the door. He saw his mother, carrying two daggers even so the Qun forbade women to fight, an opinion she had not given up as Tal Vashoth. There was a cut across her hollow cheek. She was awfully skinny, her eyes dark with fear and anger. Last one faded, as her gaze fell onto his broken self.  
He felt his mother’s arms around him, being pressed against her warm body. He didn’t understand what was going on, but he didn’t care, hearing her sobbing against his hair, hearing her say that everything was going to be alright. He wanted to believe her, desperately, but he didn’t.  
Over her shoulder he looked at his father. He shifted restlessly, staring at the door, swearing, and his voice slightly aggressive as he told her to hurry.  
His voice became calmer and more reassuring as if talking to a wounded animal when his father asked him if he was able to walk, softly tugging the mask off his face as if he was afraid to hurt him even more.  
He was able to walk, even so he had to lean against his father heavily, barely able to set one foot after another.  
Outside his cell he could see the dead bodies of the Qunari, five other Tal Vashoth standing in the floor, staring at him, blood sticking at their bodies…

 

He felt a warm body against his back, strong arms protectively wrapped around him, still shaking. He tensed by the feeling of this tight embrace. Almost immediately the arms around him relaxed a little bit but didn’t let go.  
It took a few minutes to sort out what happened. Bull leaned against the wall he had tried to get away to earlier, holding him tightly in his arms. Cole sat in front of him, watching him with wide eyes, his pale face having even less a healthy color than usually.  
He tried to say something but his throat hurt and he had to swallow a few times and finally gave up.  
“I tried to help”, Cole said finally, looking at him apologetically. “But the hurt shut everything else away, until hurt was the only thing left. I couldn’t get through to you”  
He could only manage to nod and offered a reassuring smile. He really liked the Spirit, even so he scared the shit out of him, the first time he had just appeared right in front of him.  
“I want to help”, he murmured and cocked his head.  
“Just leave him alone, kid”, Bull behind him growled, his lover’s arms tightening around him again. “Now is not the right time”  
Cole still stared at him, not even blinking once, before he finally disappeared.  
He felt lips against his neck, touching the skin softly, carefully.  
“Bull?”, he managed to croak out.  
“I know it’s not your fault…”, he muttered. “...but don’t scare me like that ever again”  
“I’m sorry”  
Silence spread between them, and he forced himself to concentrate on Bull’s heartbeat in his back, his warm breath across his skin.  
“What did I do?”, the giant finally asked, gently caressing his arms.  
He swallowed hard, forced himself to stay calm as the slight sickness in his stomach threatened to cause another panic attack. “The blindfold…”, he choked out, his throat still dry and burning. “I just… I couldn’t… I panicked”  
“Because of the mask”  
He tensed in Bull’s arm, causing the Qunari to draw him further against his body. “The kid did that mind-reading crap again. Don’t know if I want to thank him or choke him for doing that”, he mumbled against his neck, lips carefully caressing him again.  
He felt sick. He was pretty sure Bull would be disgusted by him, being too weak do defend himself, being used, being a fucking Saarebas, who doomed himself by refusing to obey. It was his own fault, he shouldn’t have rebelled against the Qun, he...  
“I can sense, that you are thinking crap”, Bull commented on his tensing body.  
“How much did Cole…”  
“Enough to make me want to rip every one of those asshole’s head off”, Bull growled, pressing himself against the smaller Qunari’s back in front of him.  
“The mask… it felt as if being caged in my own body, I couldn’t move my arms and rip it off and it just became even tighter until I thought…”  
“Hush, Kadan. Calm down. It’s alright”  
“It’ not”, he choked out, desperately trying to hold down a sob, disgusted by his own weakness. “I’m Saarebas! What they did was righteous! I should have…”, before he could say anything more he was roughly grabbed by his shoulders and forced to face Bull.  
He glared at him, angrily, furiously, his voice a threatening growl: “Don’t you dare finish that sentence”  
He forced himself to breathe again, while he tried to concentrate on the feeling of Bull’s rough fingers painfully digging into his skin. He was pretty sure tomorrow his shoulders would be bruised.  
“But…” He was silenced by lips pressing against his, one arm wrapping around his back the other one forcing him to go on his knees so Bull could draw him closer, until the younger Tal Vashoth had to straddle Bull’s lap. Lips gently kissed the scars around his lips were threads used to be, a mouth gently sucking at his bottom lip and eventually a tongue that slipped between his slightly opened lips. Finally the last bit of his locked-away-memories did let go of his mind and he relaxed against his boyfriend.  
It was a mystery to him, how Bull always managed to know what people needed to hear, even so they didn’t knew it themselves. His lover’s next words caused him to painfully choke down another desperate sob as relief flooded his body.  
“Kadan, you are not Saarebas”


End file.
